Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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