i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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