Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
