You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
