dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Randomize
