Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
