our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
