I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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