Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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