I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
