the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
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but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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