The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
