she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
