I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
