the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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