The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
