I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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