why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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