I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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