I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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