i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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