So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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