i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Randomize
