Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
