I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Randomize
