who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
