My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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