Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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