he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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