My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
