i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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