Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
