i jhust puked up my retainher.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
