If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I fill condoms, not promises.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
