theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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