you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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