At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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