My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
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