My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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