He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
