were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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