I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
