My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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