I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
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