After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
