My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
