dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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