I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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