This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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