Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
