Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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