I'm sorry my penis didn't work
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
