she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
