she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
