I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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