party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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