I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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