Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
