just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
